“Let your loved one’s LIFE (not their death) illuminate your holidays.”
It had been only a few months after my husband died that I was faced with navigating our first holiday season without him. Jeff fried the turkey and made the most delicious dressing for Thanksgiving. He dragged in the Christmas tree and always made sure it was straight in the stand. He loved to cook and show his love for people through his food. He thought BIG when it came to buying gifts for our two young sons. But that year, his absence was felt in so many ways and in so many of our family traditions. As I had done every day since Jeff’s passing, I prayerfully asked the Lord to help me.
Loss is brutal and challenging on a normal, regular everyday kind of day, but the holidays can be some of the toughest days to deal with grief. The longing for more time with your person intensifies, and the sadness can take you into the depths of an emotional valley. The holidays come with an expectation of happiness. I asked myself, “How can I join in the happiness when I’m not happy?”
Our “holiday culture” highlights togetherness. From October to January, all commercials, shows, movies, and events show happy people sharing meals with the ones they love, exchanging gifts with the special people in their lives, and going to fun, festive places together. The holly-jolly-of-it-all is really hard to stomach after a significant loss.
Let me say that grief is an ever-changing thing. The frequency, intensity, and triggers of grief are never the same on any two given days. Dare I say they aren’t the same in any two given hours. I would love to share some thoughts, small actions, and hope with you today. I truly believe you are reading this article, at this moment in time, for a very real reason. So, let’s dive in!
Let in the Sad
It’s okay! I promise! The people around you that you are trying to protect aren’t as fragile as you think they are. Allowing loved ones to see your true emotions, lets them know that you are human. It just might give them permission to express their sadness as well. Honest conversations often come from vulnerability. Being real during times of struggle can bring a closeness you never expected.
Keep the Joy
Let your loved one’s LIFE (not their death) illuminate your holidays. Bake the Thanksgiving pie with that favorite family recipe you’ve made a thousand times. A few teardrops might add to its flavor. Hang the beloved ornaments on the tree that you hung together. The memories and love shared can warm you from within. Ring in the New Year with gratitude for the years past. Celebrate who they were and how much they meant to you.
Zero Expectations
Allow yourself room for the holidays to be different. Less festive or more. Simple decorations or all-out. Say no to gatherings or surround yourself with friends and family. Let the time reflect where you are emotionally. Pay attention to your needs. You don’t have to apologize for how different the holidays might look this year. I pray you can navigate these hard days guilt-free.
Grieve AND Live
I’m convinced that our loved ones want us to live! Tell the stories AND remember! Cry, break something AND remember! Keep sweet traditions AND make new ones! Grieve And Live! Grief can transform us in miraculous ways. It can stir compassion and empathy. It can give us a new avenue to connect with others. It can build resilience and strength. There’s hope AND healing! It can be a long process, but I encourage you not to give up. One day at a time AND one foot in front of the other.
Our First Holiday Season
As the boys and I navigated that first holiday season without our person, we made food for Thanksgiving AND talked about how much we missed Dad’s potato salad. We unpacked ornaments for our Christmas tree AND remembered sweet and funny stories that made us laugh out loud. We decided together that we wanted to hang his stocking with ours AND it was comforting. There was hurt, sadness, anger and tears, but there was also so much love!
May God’s love, comfort, and peace be yours in abundance!
Niki Parker is the Central Kids Ministry Manager at Venture Church. She worships and serves at the Lincoln Road Campus in Hattiesburg, Mississippi.
Next Steps: Find Grief Support in South Mississippi
You don’t have to walk through this season alone. Having people walk alongside you can make a big difference. If you’re carrying grief right now, take one small step toward support. It might be the thing that helps you breathe a little easier this season.
Grief Counseling: Connect with Cornerstone Counseling at the Hunt Club Campus in Hattiesburg, Mississippi.
Related Reading
Wondering why God allows suffering? Read [Why Does Suffering Have to Be So Hard? A Biblical Look at Pain. (link)]